Where I'm at

Instead of my usual rambling, I thought I'd just let you know where I am in this process. I have moved beyond the "maybe" into the "pretty sure." Here's a re-cap:

September 2021:

• Had the "aha" moment when I realized that I could stop the madness and make a decision to leave the marriage.

• felt pretty good about the almost decision; spoke to some supportive people about this realization and impending decision

• felt excited

• read quite a few self-help books, articles, random quotes to help guide me

October/November

• he realized I was serious and made a half-assed attempt to take some accountability for where we went wrong

• i kinda-sorta agreed to counselling

• felt a bit wretched because I no longer felt as confident in my decision; a lot of "shoulds" clouded my mind

December/January

• told him that I really was not in it (counselling) and just could not stay married given how I was feeling

• found a lawyer and because the process for realzies

Since then, it's mostly been gathering financial information for the financial disclosure piece. Now, I sit and wait. He told me that he thinks he should take all the debt...and all the assets. He seemed to think that made sense. Okay. Sure.

We did seem to somewhat agreed on shared "custody" (which is a dated term now, I've learned).

But mostly, I'm waiting. Waiting in this home with him, my boys (who know nothing...apart from the fact that mommy and daddy rarely seem to speak anymore).

I would like to talk with him, but he has made it very clear that he does not want to speak to me.

Oh, and we're still sharing a bed. Believe it or not, it's not that awkward. We go to bed at different times, get up at different times, and really don't take up too much room.

But, it gets harder by the day. It erodes one's sense of self to perpetually be dismissed and discounted, and be virtually invisible to someone who had once been enmeshed in my life. I look forward to the actual separation where the healing the moving on can happen, but I need to bide my time a little longer.