I Want Out...I think

I'm annoyed. And sad. My husband said he wants to work on our marriage. Yet, far from feeling elated, hopeful, or excited, I am irritated. My course to leave this marriage has been interrupted and that upsets me.

Three months ago, following yet another argument when he strongly suggested "Why don't you leave then!?!??! Get lost!", I made a decision. After years of not feeling compatible, not feeling good enough, being bulldozed in arguments, I realized that I could just end it. A vision of me stepping off of a merry-go-round became vivid. Understanding that I could control what was happening in my life became empowering and propelled me into a new direction. "I can end this cycle of unhappiness. I can end these feelings of misery. I can end this marriage!"

But now, damnit, I'm being dragged back in. The "shoulds" are clouding my very rational, thought-out decision to leave: Should stay for the children. Should give it another try, now that he's willing. Should stay to avoid the financial hassle.

I SHOULD say here that for 14 years I had tried to talk to him about what was happening between us. I had tried to tell him what I needed from him. I had suggested counselling. For 14 years he told me to "leave if you're not happy". For 14 years, he chose to not take my concerns seriously.

But now...now that he's had a conversation with a trusted family member...now that I have my bags packed (figuratively) and my hand on the doorknob, he is ready to acknowledge the seriousness of my complaints. And that annoys me.

It's so much easier to end a relationship when you are being insulted, yelled at, mocked, and dismissed. But, when someone is extending their hand to you as a gesture of cooperation, and acknowledgment of wrongs done to you, you'd be quite a dick if you turned your back.

Or so I'm feeling at this point. I don't want to be a dick.

And that damned Dr. Phil's voice is in my head from an episode I watched about 25 years ago: "You've got to earn your way out of a marriage." Shut up Phil. No one asked you.

So here I am. On the fence. Somewhere between my strong decision of three months ago, my current circumstance of cooperatively examining what went wrong and how to maybe fix it, and the post-marriage future I had been excitedly looking forward to.

Join me on this journey, won't you?